Tuesday, October 21, 2014

A little word of encouragement. For both of us.

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you can't get ANYTHING done? Like the whole world is spinning around you and you are a slug, slowly, laboriously crawling around (that's all slugs do right?)? Like you are failing your kid(s)? Ever have, like, a week of those? A month?
You are not alone!
We all have those times. Sometimes they are just a fleeting thought and sometimes a super-funk you just can't seem to break free from.
Yesterday was a relatively quiet day. I got up, did some yoga, a few extra exercises, drank a bunch of water and had a smoothie. The little guy woke up at some point before the smoothie making (who wakes up a 4 year old unless it's necessary? That's like inviting a horror show). I felt slacky in the cleaning department, like a terrible wife. I'm a stay-at-home mom of ONE 4 year old, why in the world isn't the house always spotless? Why isn't dinner on the table on time every night? Has my husband ever complained? Heck no, that guy is a saint.
Anyway, I cleaned, laundried (that's totally a word right? spell check is telling me no), hung up some more stuff I had layering around waiting to go on the walls since we moved. Cleaned some more, organized. What was my son doing? Watching Minecraft videos on YouTube. For way too long. Why? I just didn't have the energy to do all that stuff AND entertain him/get him involved in helping me. So then more guilt. He complained a few times about a sore throat. I mostly ignored him. There is a good reason though. My kid LIKES medicine. I don't know if he really just loves the flavors or he likes me babying him. I cant pour medicine down his throat every time he asks because usually he is running around the house and yelling "Dob Glib Bab No Fa LA LA LA LA - mom my throat hurts - BOB ziddy bab DOBBLY BENAB!!!" (He loves shouting complete gibberish, no idea why). Which, if it was hurting that bad and he was actually sick, maybe he wouldn't be shouting and running right?
I actually had a plan for dinner. Which was breakfast for dinner but still a plan. I'd start with making the bacon around 4:30 and follow with the biscuits and eggs and such and have it all ready by 5:30 or so.
Husband gets home at 3:15, son wants to work out with husband. Son AGAIN complains about throat and how he NEEDS medicine. Ok fine, go get the flashlight and I will check your throat. WHITE SPOTS. Oh no, he was really sick. There are white spots on his throat. More guilt.
I called my mom and got him in to the doctor (she works at the family doctors office about 35-45 mins away). I grabbed our stuff, made Zane get completely dressed (I have to wear a shirt mom? *GASP*). Husband stops his work out, "Honey do you want me to come?" I'll admit I was surprised. He just got home from work a little bit ago and was in the middle of his workout (he has a very physical job and working out helps him wind down - crazy right?), yet here he was, sacrificing yet again. I couldn't help it, I said yes.
We went to the doctors, Tonsillitis, yuck. Went to the pharmacy, wouldn't you know - ALL the Walgreen's were out of the medicine. All of them. Supplier shortage I guess. The pharmacist actually offered to call around to Fred Meyers (right across the street). They had it, yay! So we headed over. Got the kiddo some non-medicated cough drops, ice cream, a few random things. Hey look, its already 6:30. Picked up a pizza too and a movie. We ate and watched Godzilla and collapsed into bed by 10:00. Late for the hubs since he gets up at 4am.
It all worked out but I still felt horrible. I didn't know my son was actually sick until he pestered me. He spent too long watching the boob tube(people still call it that right?). I did NOT get dinner on the table.
It's lies. Whispered in your ear. Guilt laid on thick. Sometimes Satan uses your OWN voice to disguise himself. I'm not under attack, I say to myself. I just suck at this. I shouldn't have even tried, I just fail at being a wife and a mom. Maybe it wasn't meant for me. I get disheartened and so ashamed. and then He comes, calling to me. Strongly, confidently. "Stop it. I love you "But I don't deserve it" "That's not why I love you" "I failed again though!" "Rest in Me, daughter" "But if I don't make another, better plan, I'll fail tomorrow too!" "And tomorrow I will love you still."
This is how these conversations play out inside me. Then I remember. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter what I accomplish. It doesn't matter if things aren't perfect. Nothing matters without love. If I don't do it in love, it's just meaningless. Not just love in my motivations but basking in HIS love for me. Knowing that if I don't get everything done just right, He still loves me. I'm not a failure. I'm the one He chose for this job. For this man and for our son. I don't need to fear those days. I don't need to feel guilty. I just need to walk with Him.

Wake up and praise Him. Invite Him into your day. Chat with him while you load the dishwasher or clean toilets. Thank Him for your children while you patiently(or not so patiently) teach them to tie their shoes, read, or how to apply their mascara(if you have a teenage girl that is, if you have a 4 year old boy like me then maybe wait on that). Pray over the food as you prepare it (some of us pray harder over the food). Be OKAY with everything not getting done the way you want it, just let the Lord be the one by your side as you face each day, each task, each moment. Is this easy? Heck no. It's a beautiful thing to lay down your expectations and your hopes and your plans and let the Savior take control. Let His love guide your day. None of this stuff comes instantly, you have to practice. (Practice is not the piano recital, practice is making mistakes, restarting and doing it over and over again until Beethoven flies out under your fingers).

Here are 3 scriptures that I cling to:

1 John 4:18-19: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

Matthew 22: 37-39: And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

1 Corinthians 13: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

I hope this jumbled mess of a post made some semblance of sense. I wrote and erased and wrote and erased and started to scrap the whole thing. In fact I still don't really want to post this. It feels too messy. Too preachy. Too raw. It's unrefined.  I just feel compelled to share. I hope it helps you. I hope you walk away at least a little encouraged.

Much Love,

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Welcome back... self.

After an unnecessarily long hiatus from my blog, I'm back!

We had a manufactured home built, through delays, frustrations and FINALLY moving in, the blog went on the back burner. Time to light a fire under my OWN butt and get it in gear again! I cant promise daily posts but I WILL try to get on here as often as possible and let you know the cool new happenin's at Rayah's House.

I said manufactured home up there didn't I? Otherwise known as a mobile home. Dun dun dunnnnn. *ominous music in the background* I know what that can bring to mind for some of us. Old rickety, cheap and cramped. Run down mobile home parks. three non-working cars on the lawn. Yuck.

Is that us? NO! Here are some pictures of my manufactured home and a little bit about my park. We now live in a fairy tale manufactured home park. Seriously, yes there is space rent. The lowest around. Now, now, I can see your look of disdain. It's one of the nicest kept parks I've seen. There are strict rules but they keep the community beautiful. No dogs. Which was sad because we had wanted one, but ultimately the benefits far outweighed the restrictions. You know what? It's kind of awesome. In our old apartment the neighbor below us had a dog. The poor dog got left alone quite a bit. How do I know? It would back the same repetitive bark over and over and over all day. Guess what? I don't have to wake up to that anymore! They do allow 1, indoor only, cat. So of course we got one. I will introduce her later, I promise!

Since moving in, we have had so much stuff going on it's been unreal. My kitchen is huge, I looooooove cooking and baking in it! I have room to entertain and we have had several dinners with friends and family. Our son has room to play! We have a yard of our own!

I haven't had a chance to go through and take new pictures of everything, so here are some once delivery had commenced and our home was being "planted" in its spot. 

This is our front door, yes there is a new deck. It's redwood and I have Lavender, Heliotrope and Petunias on my steps! ( I can't wait for holiday decorations!)

I love my kitchen. Not only is there tons of counter space. There are TONS of outlets! The bar alone has 3 sets of plugs! The only shortfall is the number of drawers. It's just something I never even thought about. In my apartment I had 6 large drawers and now I'm down to 4 smaller drawers. Of course the junk drawer had to go. Junk has no business being in a Chef's kitchen (not that I am a REAL chef, haha)! The drawer full of parchment paper, saran wrap and foil had to go too. Heck I even got rid of the silverware drawer! Thankfully with all that counter space, I had a solution!

Oh, Mason jars, how I love thee! I left the metal rings on for two reasons. A) I liked the contrast and B) To protect the rim of the jars from chipping as we jammed the silverware in.

I have a pantry now, YAY! Pics of that to come. Today it's just my two favorite spaces.

My bathroom is awesome. The counters are high, which, as a tall lady, I LOVE! Also, double sinks! No more fighting about who is REALLY getting all that toothpaste spray on the mirror (not ME!). Also I love the little nooks under the sinks. They are great for storing all sorts of things. Currently I have extra scentsy bars down there but it's great for storing rolled towels or toilet paper.

Stall shower we two seats (sorry, I think my finger was in front of the flash).

Now I really dont think you need to see my toilet. I can assure you it's just a regular toilet. ABOVE the toilet is the fun part. I have an obsession with clunky, cheap jewelry. Most of it is actually pretty cute but it does NOT fit well into a jewelry box. I made an arty display in the corner above the commode. 

And my most favorite-ist part. My tub. Some day I will have our second child in that tub (more about that kind of stuff later but, YAY for home births).

It's missing something though. 

Ahh that's better. Candles, bubbles, lavender essential oil, a book and a drink. Now you know where I have REALLY been these last few weeks.

PS the move was super easy. Unpacking a breeze. Wanna hear my moving system?