Ever have one of those days where you feel like you can't get ANYTHING done? Like the whole world is spinning around you and you are a slug, slowly, laboriously crawling around (that's all slugs do right?)? Like you are failing your kid(s)? Ever have, like, a week of those? A month?
You are not alone!
We all have those times. Sometimes they are just a fleeting thought and sometimes a super-funk you just can't seem to break free from.
Yesterday was a relatively quiet day. I got up, did some yoga, a few extra exercises, drank a bunch of water and had a smoothie. The little guy woke up at some point before the smoothie making (who wakes up a 4 year old unless it's necessary? That's like inviting a horror show). I felt slacky in the cleaning department, like a terrible wife. I'm a stay-at-home mom of ONE 4 year old, why in the world isn't the house always spotless? Why isn't dinner on the table on time every night? Has my husband ever complained? Heck no, that guy is a saint.
Anyway, I cleaned, laundried (that's totally a word right? spell check is telling me no), hung up some more stuff I had layering around waiting to go on the walls since we moved. Cleaned some more, organized. What was my son doing? Watching Minecraft videos on YouTube. For way too long. Why? I just didn't have the energy to do all that stuff AND entertain him/get him involved in helping me. So then more guilt. He complained a few times about a sore throat. I mostly ignored him. There is a good reason though. My kid LIKES medicine. I don't know if he really just loves the flavors or he likes me babying him. I cant pour medicine down his throat every time he asks because usually he is running around the house and yelling "Dob Glib Bab No Fa LA LA LA LA - mom my throat hurts - BOB ziddy bab DOBBLY BENAB!!!" (He loves shouting complete gibberish, no idea why). Which, if it was hurting that bad and he was actually sick, maybe he wouldn't be shouting and running right?
I actually had a plan for dinner. Which was breakfast for dinner but still a plan. I'd start with making the bacon around 4:30 and follow with the biscuits and eggs and such and have it all ready by 5:30 or so.
Husband gets home at 3:15, son wants to work out with husband. Son AGAIN complains about throat and how he NEEDS medicine. Ok fine, go get the flashlight and I will check your throat. WHITE SPOTS. Oh no, he was really sick. There are white spots on his throat. More guilt.
I called my mom and got him in to the doctor (she works at the family doctors office about 35-45 mins away). I grabbed our stuff, made Zane get completely dressed (I have to wear a shirt mom? *GASP*). Husband stops his work out, "Honey do you want me to come?" I'll admit I was surprised. He just got home from work a little bit ago and was in the middle of his workout (he has a very physical job and working out helps him wind down - crazy right?), yet here he was, sacrificing yet again. I couldn't help it, I said yes.
We went to the doctors, Tonsillitis, yuck. Went to the pharmacy, wouldn't you know - ALL the Walgreen's were out of the medicine. All of them. Supplier shortage I guess. The pharmacist actually offered to call around to Fred Meyers (right across the street). They had it, yay! So we headed over. Got the kiddo some non-medicated cough drops, ice cream, a few random things. Hey look, its already 6:30. Picked up a pizza too and a movie. We ate and watched Godzilla and collapsed into bed by 10:00. Late for the hubs since he gets up at 4am.
It all worked out but I still felt horrible. I didn't know my son was actually sick until he pestered me. He spent too long watching the boob tube(people still call it that right?). I did NOT get dinner on the table.
It's lies. Whispered in your ear. Guilt laid on thick. Sometimes Satan uses your OWN voice to disguise himself. I'm not under attack, I say to myself. I just suck at this. I shouldn't have even tried, I just fail at being a wife and a mom. Maybe it wasn't meant for me. I get disheartened and so ashamed. and then He comes, calling to me. Strongly, confidently. "Stop it. I love you "But I don't deserve it" "That's not why I love you" "I failed again though!" "Rest in Me, daughter" "But if I don't make another, better plan, I'll fail tomorrow too!" "And tomorrow I will love you still."
This is how these conversations play out inside me. Then I remember. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter what I accomplish. It doesn't matter if things aren't perfect. Nothing matters without love. If I don't do it in love, it's just meaningless. Not just love in my motivations but basking in HIS love for me. Knowing that if I don't get everything done just right, He still loves me. I'm not a failure. I'm the one He chose for this job. For this man and for our son. I don't need to fear those days. I don't need to feel guilty. I just need to walk with Him.
Wake up and praise Him. Invite Him into your day. Chat with him while you load the dishwasher or clean toilets. Thank Him for your children while you patiently(or not so patiently) teach them to tie their shoes, read, or how to apply their mascara(if you have a teenage girl that is, if you have a 4 year old boy like me then maybe wait on that). Pray over the food as you prepare it (some of us pray harder over the food). Be OKAY with everything not getting done the way you want it, just let the Lord be the one by your side as you face each day, each task, each moment. Is this easy? Heck no. It's a beautiful thing to lay down your expectations and your hopes and your plans and let the Savior take control. Let His love guide your day. None of this stuff comes instantly, you have to practice. (Practice is not the piano recital, practice is making mistakes, restarting and doing it over and over again until Beethoven flies out under your fingers).
Here are 3 scriptures that I cling to:
1 John 4:18-19: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.
Matthew 22: 37-39: And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
1 Corinthians 13: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
I hope this jumbled mess of a post made some semblance of sense. I wrote and erased and wrote and erased and started to scrap the whole thing. In fact I still don't really want to post this. It feels too messy. Too preachy. Too raw. It's unrefined. I just feel compelled to share. I hope it helps you. I hope you walk away at least a little encouraged.